Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: One Year Later

It happened one year ago today. I remember what I was wearing.  I remember who I talked to that morning.  I remember the words of the doctor like it happened yesterday.  I remember the dinner that was brought to us that night.  One year ago today I was laying on a table, alone, in my MFM's office watching the screen knowing something was wrong. That was the day I knew for certain my Olive was waiting for me in heaven. Olive had a heavenly, eternal purpose and so went there sooner than his precious sister Blythe.  I suspected a week or two before that something was wrong, but I tried to shrug it off as being paranoid.

If you ask one of the few people who knew we were expecting twins before this post 39% Downloading, they will tell you I tried not to get excited about having twins or the pregnancy in general. It wasn't until the week before October 15, 2013 I got excited. I am not sure what changed that week but I finally was excited. Finally. And then to have my excitement crushed was....well....crushing.  The pain of losing Olive hurt me so much deeper than I ever imagined.  

As the tech whirled the wand around I saw one baby....and she kept whirling.  My heart started beating faster.  She kept whirling.  Now my heart was pounding.  She whirled more.  My lip started to quiver.  I knew she was not "supposed" to tell me any "results", but I needed to know something.  She whirled faster.  I swallowed hard....."I know a baby is gone, please do not make me wait for what will feel like an eternity to hear him say it.  I know the baby is gone."  She hung her head "The other baby is gone."  Tears poured down my cheeks, silently while they finished.  I felt terrible they had to watch me lay there crying while they worked.  As I waited for the doctor all I could do was text Matthew---I physically could not say "We lost the baby".  I could not form the words in my mouth. I simply texted "we lost one baby.  the other is fine for now."  When the silver haired doctor walked in, he said nothing.....he just gave me hug, "I am so sorry.  I am so sorry.  I know this is not the news you hoped to get today, especially without your husband.  But the baby that is there is healthy on all accounts.  I am so sorry."  The rest of the visit is a bit of a fog except for my departure.  Walking out of the office that brisk October morning, I will never forget the expectant moms in the waiting room watching me leave, tears running down my cheeks.  They all looked at me with compassion and fear all at the same time.  I can imagine many of them hoped they would NOT leave the office feeling the way I looked

I never hoped for twins. I never dreamed for twins but when I saw those two heartbeats, I was in love. I was so thankful God entrusted me with two lives (not to mention the two I already had in Caleb and Addison). I was filled with so many exciting hopes and dreams, namely all the kids in our family would have a buddy!!!  Addison and Caleb are only 18 months  apart and are best friends and I was thrilled we would have 3 and 4 "close" together.  Blythe may not have a buddy like we originally thought, but I can tell you one thing---she is well loved.  This whole family is smitten with her sweetness.

It's strange. Seeing twins even today brings me back to that moment I knew Olive was gone. It's more nostalgic than sad. But when I hear complaints about "having to have twins", the pain cuts me so deep I can hardly breathe. I want to shout "well I won't ever know will I!!??" Or "want to trade feelings on the subject of twins?" or simply " SHUT UP".  We all need to vent, I know but when the complaint is framed as a burden it is a little more than venting.

Today will be a day I always reflect on what we have lost, but also a day I celebrate the gift we were given, Blythe.