Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Five Years Ago

I have been thinking about this post all month.  I do not write one every year on this topic, but this year I felt I needed to.  Why?  Not sure, maybe one of you can tell me.  I have written it and re-written it so many times I have lost count.  The perfect words seem to escape me...until I realized this is messy.  It is not perfect.  It is messy.  But a beautiful messy.

Today we reflect on the day we lost Olive.  Today was the day, five years ago, I sat in a doctor's office alone, watching a screen, without that second heartbeat.  October 15, 2014 it was no longer Rhema (now Blythe) and Olive but just our fighter, bigger than life, magical, sassy Blythe.  If you want to be brought totally up to speed, check out these posts,  39% Downloading, Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: One Year Later, and  Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Two Years Later.

Most of what I feel now is wonderment.  Wonderment from so many angles.

1. With the first two pregnancies prior to Blythe, we never had an ultrasound as early as we did with her...I WONDER, would we have ever known it was twins if we did not have the early scan?
2. We never planned our number of children, but after the immediate discovery we were pregnant with #3, we said we would be "done"....I WONDER, would we have a #4, Lincoln, otherwise? 
3. Once we discovered we were pregnant with twins, my mind never left the thought of having four children, even after we lost the baby...again...I WONDER, was this God's way of getting us the four precious children we have?  Is this how we were blessed with Lincoln? 
4. What would it be like to have those twins?  I often WONDER and dream.
5. What would life be like if it was not exactly the way it is now?  I WONDER.
6. How will this story be used?  I WONDER if it will touch anyone, anywhere.

As I sit here wandering around in my wondering, I do find my destination.  My destination is thankful.  I am incredibly thankful it all happened.  Was it pleasant?  No.  Was it worth it?  Absolutely.  Does my heart still skip a beat when I see twins (which is A LOT)? Yes it does.  I am thankful for it all.  Immeasurably more good and glory to our ALWAYS LOVING God came from this experience.  I felt peace and comfort from my Heavenly Father in a way I never felt before.  It brought me closer to my husband, closer to my friends.  I have Lincoln.  I have an opportunity to share this story with others that may be experiencing something similar, now or in the past.  I am most thankful, I got to keep one.  And every night (well almost) I kiss her goodnight I remember what a gift she really is.

To all you moms out there impacted by what today means, especially if it is fresh, I know it hurts.  Lamentations 3:22-23 says ²² "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; ²³ they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  This is true..but wait...I read this countless times when the sadness was the deepest and it did not feel true.  I think it is because I wanted to feel totally "new", FAST.  As I really thought about it, I did feel his mercies new everyday, but SMALL, just a little "new" everyday.  Slow.  Steady.  Until, I arrived at the last part of the verse months later; where I could feel genuinely: Great is Your Faithfulness.  This is the Thankful.  So my friend, hang on.  Slow and Steady. 


So.  There is some of the beautiful mess five years later.  I know it could have been a bigger mess.  But today I am thankful for the mess I was given. 

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Two Years Later

Today is a day I will continue to pause and remember, two years ago today...October 15, 2013, we lost our Olive but we still had our Blythe (here are the last two blogs on the topic 39% downloading,One Year Later) !  It's one of those moments you will never forget; I know what I was wearing, I know exactly where I was.....I remember the smell of the room, the dark lit dreary room, I remember watching the faces around me analyzing what was on that screen delivering such disappointing news, I remember feeling frozen and out of breath as I realized what was happening. While I remember all those difficult things, here are things I also remember that day and the days that followed...

• I remember each hug
• I remember the meal delivered to us for dinner that night
• I remember compassionate listeners 
• I remember seeing one heart still beating, what is now our Blythe
• I remember the overwhelming sense of thankfulness for the blessings we had
• I remember Gods peace as the initial moments passed 
• I remember Matthews strength
• I remember God using this story for his glory

It is a little ironic this happened to us on pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. I did not even know that day existed until after this happened.  I appreciate this day because it causes us to remember the women who have gone through such a difficult circumstance, many of them countless times. As I continue to tell our story to women and families, I realize a lot of people do not like to talk about the loss they suffered (or are suffering).  While I am not sure why, I wish they would. To those suffering losses and keeping it close.....there is healing in sharing!  You are NOT alone. I assure you someone else is going through a very identical situation, even if it's a friend of the third degree, and you could lift each other up.

For me, as I shared the story two things happened 1) I discovered so many around me were in similar pain and it allowed me to share Jesus or simply gave us an opportunity to lift each other up and 2) and this was key, it kept the memory alive which is important to me. I appreciate those around me who do not try to sweep this under the rug. I think the story of Olive is a story of Gods graciousness and powerful miracles and sovereignty. He had a plan for what transpired on October 15, 2013; I have seen parts of this plan come to flourish and what a joy!  How can we sweep a story of God graciousness, power and sovereignty under the rug!!??  So I encourage those out there quietly suffering to share-share so you can participate in Gods glorious plan for that baby in heaven, share so you can heal!  That's what worked for me anyways. I do realize my situation is a bit different than many of my readers; I had one baby left and two already born.

To my readers who have never gone through this or do not know someone who has.....think before you speak.  I implore you to think.  Sure, our kids are crazy and it is ok to be frustrated, but remember who maybe listening (or reading nowadays), there could be someone suffering silently.  I have even heard comments like "I HAD TO have twins......"....REALLY?!?  Had to?  Think people.  Think.  Or "I cannot wait until my kids are out of the house"....some people cannot wait to have kids IN their house.  Or "we did not want this child {now}, it was not the plan". In the confidence of close friends those things said in jest are ok, but if there are others in ear shot, be sensitive.

Remember those impacted by this day.  Say a prayer for those families struggling....trust me, PRAYER WORKS...it simply works.

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Unrestrained Joy

A few nights ago, our family watched the Dolphin Tales Show at the Georgia Aquarium.  I had no idea what to expect, I assumed jumping Dolphins, but other than that I was uncertain if the kids would like it. 

We waited in line for seats and the show to start for over an hour, containing the new walker I thought....this better be worth it. It. Was. 

My darling Caleb made it worth every penny and every second. Every time, without exception, he saw a dolphin jump, swim, talk or do anything he let out a contagious laugh, jumped, excitedly flailed his arms and gave an astonished "whooooooa". Some of the other spectators seem to enjoy him as much as the Dolphins ☺️ He cried "oh I love this. I love dolphins. This is the best show ever" while the show took a break from Dolphins and turned to singing. 

He nearly brought me to tears watching his unrestrained joy.  I longed to bottle up this moment so I could open it when need a kick in the pants reminder of how precious these moments with these littles truly are. The unrestrained joy of children is remarkable. It's before the world (including me) taint them. It's before they realize they are judged for everything they do. It's before they care what other people think. It's before they have real stressors in their life. It's before they have responsibilities. It's before life becomes work.  I wanted to bottle up his joy to also get the high of unrestrained joy again. Oh to have unrestrained joy again like he did.

I have had moments like that, particularly the day I knew I was saved by Jesus Christ, my wedding day, the birth of my three children, discovering I was expecting my children....but oh to live like that.

It is entirely possible I could live like that. Jesus Christ offers us an everlasting joy when we come to a relationship with him!  

1 Peter 1:8(ESV)

Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory,

But so often we allow satan and the world to seal this inexpressible joy, this unrestrained joy I saw in Caleb. He steals it when we allow the judgements of others to stop us from living our lives in gods will. He steals it when we choose to follow his lies instead of God's truth. He steals it when we allow the stressors of life to drag us down to the difficult to climb pits. 

A glimpse into the unrestrained joy of my three year old might have been the highlight of "vacation". If we call could live like that, how full life would be. Thanks Caleb. 

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Not My Finest Hour

Sigh. Where is the redo button when you need it? Ctrl+z. Edit>undo. Ctrl+x. ⏪. 

Our little family is running on fumes. We have been on the biggest hiatus of travel and separation we have faced yet. Upon arriving at a hotel in Atlanta, just the three kids and I, a volcano of exhaustion erupted among the trio. I handled the hot lava by, naturally, adding lighter fluid rather than cooling waters.  It was so uncharacteristic that my brain detached from my heart causing me start the feature presentation of mom-zilla. I felt like I was watching a movie as it all transpired in its ugliness. I literally felt like I watched myself. As an "innocent" spectator I thought: Who is that woman?  What is wrong with her?  It cannot be that bad. 

The details are not important. What is important is that today, I failed.  If this were the SATs, I misspelled my name. If this were my wedding, I was left at the alter. If my performance were based on today, "below expectations" fits. This may not be a job to some people, but to me it is. I gave up a career because THIS became my career. And just like any other job, we have moments we fail. That's what makes this a job, the potential to fail.  Unfortunately this job, is life. 

After such epic failures, we have two choices 1) dig a hole, sulk it and give up 2) forgive ourselves, seek restitution and move on. At the end of the day, inevitable failures makes us stronger and positions us for future success, if we chose the ladder. Giving up taughnts me. It's the carrot ever dangling in front of me. My mouth waters. My eyes fix on it. Then I hear those three little voices and remember I have no room to give up. Simultaneously I remember, this is as much a lesson for me as them. 

I am not perfect. They need to see that. They need to see mommy fail, seek forgiveness, forgive myself, seek restitution and move on.  If I am willing to humble myself, as I learn from my failure, they will learn too.

I failed today. I learned today. They learned today.  We moved on today. 

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom {Transportation Services Update:Fluid Definitions}

The saga continues as I attempt to get transportation from my neighborhood to our public elementary school.  Please see my other post related to the matter here: Transportation concerns sent to State Board Of Education

The commissioner of education and his legal council responded to my request for the area to be reviewed. To summarize the very lengthy response, they agreed that they are operating within their policies. The State Board of Education said Papillion La Vista schools defined a major thoroughfare as a four lane road. Hold on?  WHEN are they counting that as their definition?  As you may recall, the definitions have been the following:

• Hwy 370 with one exception on 96th {I responded that I know of a bus crossing 72nd}
• "Oh yeah, we forgot....72nd is too" {I responded with another exception}
• "That's right 370, 96th, 72nd and Giles, sorry those are all major roads" {I pointed out yet another exception to which their rebuttal took longer to return}
• "The road must be four lanes to be a major throughfare"

 The *new* recommended path has us crossing a road that is reduced to two lanes only 100 feet from where they want the kids to cross this "non major thoroughfare".  However, here is the fun part...there is NO SIDEWALK along this "non major thoroughfare" and there is NO CROSSWALK.....UNTIL YOU GET TO WHERE THE ROAD IS FOUR LANES.  Are you kidding me?!!???!

I like how the definitions change to suit their needs.  A policy is not truly a policy if the implementation is inconsistent at best.

I will not rest until this is over! 

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom {Transportation in Papillion LaVista Public School District-Concerns sent to the State Board of Education}

If you have been following my facebook statuses for the past nine months you probably noticed a reoccurring status about school buses in our district.  I have gotten a lot of questions about this, so I thought I would clear the air.

My journey all started in July 2014 when we started looking into kindergarten options.  I am a product of the Texas public school system, rode a bus, and I would like to think I turned out pretty well.  I am also a HORRIBLE teacher to my own children so public schools seemed logical.  I remember when we moved from Dallas to Houston my mother had to work hard to get the bus to our section of the neighborhood, but as a child I thought it must have been a mere phone call.  I assumed only a call would be required here too....but no.  Good thing I kept a diary of all my efforts to get this resolved because eventually the State Board of Education asked for a detailed timeline.  Boy did they get one---it was three pages!

A little background

1. Our neighborhood does not attend a school that is geographically closest to it.
2. The school is situated directly ON a very busy road; since there is no bus transportation parents (and the principal) tell me children should be dropped off 30-40 minutes before school.  They literally walk around the school until school begins, good use of time, no?.  Remember, this is DURING RUSH HOUR PEOPLE...down a MAJOR ROAD that parents are backed up on.  Its only four lanes total, two in each direction and one of the four is completely BACKED UP!  Not to mention, there is very little room for any cars on school property to line up.  Actually there is NONE. 
3. Parents arrive an hour early who have younger students to avoid the back up on the road.
4. You are probably wondering why we cannot car pool?  We can, however I have three car seat kids and I only have room for two more car seats.  Where would I fit more than one other kid despite owning a large vehicle. I could car pool ONLY if it was two other kids who do not need car seats, what are the odds?
5. It is a title one school....which I LOVE LOVE LOVE because we have AMAZING resources that will ultimately help gifted students like Addison.  I have met with the principal already---it is going to be great.....BUT there are some serious injustices going on with respect to how boundaries are drawn and transportation policy implementation.
6. I started investigating all this BEFORE she was even a student and before we decided for or against home school; I am not JUST concerned about her.
7. There is something called a "Learning Community" here.  The short version of how it impacts my transportation issue is.......kids outside of our district can open enroll to any school within the LC (two counties near us).  IF the kids get into their requested school and they help the socioeconomic status, the district IS REQUIRED to provide transportation.  There are buses with a handful of kids driving halfway across the city PAST MY HOUSE because they are in the LC open enroll program.

Brief timeline:
08/2014:  Called the district and was given the run around about who to talk to since I did not have a student already enrolled there (shame on me for thinking of my neighbors who already face this)
08/2014:  Submitted some photos and a short description of the situation to ask the district to review the area
08/2014-1/2015:  I call an assistant superintendent every 2 weeks to follow up on the status.  Finally, they respond that they do not recommend transportation services, but perhaps I should present to the Board of Directors.
2/2015:  Present to the board of directors during the public comments portion of the agenda and handed out packets of information which included a one page summary of the issue and supporting maps and photos.
2/2015:  Superintendent emails me and thanks for me for the presentation and puts me in touch with the Assistant Superintendent who oversees Buildings and Grounds (which includes transportation).
3/2015:  Received a letter from Asst Super stating the transportation subcommittee did not recommend transportation.
*****4/2015:  I ask the Asst. Super to define what "cross a major thoroughfare" (see policy below) in their transportation policy meant. He said "highway 370 is the barometer with one exception across 96th st".  After the conversation I researched to find THREE more roads were used as exceptions.
4/2015:  I ask the subcommittee to reevaluate my request based on my precedent findings.  They STILL denied my request, changing their definition of a major road for the third time.  I asked my next steps and was told this was the end of the road.

Current Status:  On Thursday April 23, 2015 I submitted a VERY detailed document including photos and maps to the State Board of Education member for my district.  The commissioner of education was expecting the information and he is reviewing it along with his legal counsel now.

Here is the executive summary I submitted.  The detailed version gives the specific street names and details of the routes and explanations of the precedents.

Executive Summary

Concern

The Papillion La-Vista school district implements its transportation policies inconsistently ultimately requiring some elementary students to walk through unsafe conditions.  Through the course of nine months the school district has been asked to review the transportation services to G. Stanley Hall Elementary school ultimately denying transportation services three times despite the unsafe conditions and unequal implementations of its policies.  Additionally, members of The District have refused to physically walk with prospective elementary students from Stockman’s Hollow along the routes they expect. 

Current Policy

Papillion-La Vista school district provides transportation for students living in excess of four miles from the school; exceptions maybe made to this policy for elementary students who are required to cross a major thoroughfare. 

Considerations

·         Dangerous intersections and incomplete sidewalks:  All three possible routes from Stockman’s Hollow to G. Stanley Hall contain unsafe conditions for children as young as five and during snow season.

1)       Route 1 requires students to negotiate an intersection which does not have a four way stop thus requiring students to anticipate traffic off a major road.  Next, students must walk along side a major road which does not have completed sidewalks.

2)       Route 2 requires students to walk through a retail development without clear stop signs at all the entrances and exits along the access roads, again without completed sidewalks along a portion of the route.

3)       Route 3 requires students to weave through under construction apartment complex which does not have speed bumps, stop signs or completed sidewalks.  After going through the apartments, students must walk along a road without sidewalks before they reach another subdivision that adjoins with the school.

·         Elementary school boundaries need revision:  Boundary revisions which send children to schools most geographically close to them could eliminate the need for transportation services to Stockman’s Hollow.

·         Precedent:  Throughout the nine months The District reviewed the transportation concerns for Stockman’s Hollow G Stanley Hall students, the definition of “major thoroughfare” was inconsistent.  The first definition The District provided for “major thoroughfare” was “highway 370 with 96^th street as the one exception”.  Portal, Hickory Hill and Tara Heights Elementary are all provided transportation but do not cross any of the aforementioned roads.

Recommendations

·         Revise policy 5701 to clearly define a “major thoroughfare” by utilizing metrics and fairly implement.

·         Add transportation services for Stockman’s Hollow G. Stanley Hall Elementary students who are required to traverse areas with unsafe conditions including crossing major/busy roads OR revise elementary school boundaries

Conclusion and Timeline

After nine months working with The District, following proper protocol, it is apparent transportation policies are inconsistently implemented and student transportation safety is not a concern.

I also have some passionate opinions on the matter which just further fuel this entire thing.

• Can you imagine a five year old walking down a road without a sidewalk when we get snow from November to April?!!?  What happens when they plow?!  Are they crazy?  I bet if a board member had a kid expected to do this, the issue would magically disappear.  humph.
• It is NOT a "privilege" to be "able to" personally drive my children to PUBLIC SCHOOL everyday.  Sorry.  It just isn't.  If Matthew and I both worked, we would have to pay for before and after school care even after the kids were old enough to get on the bus alone because the trek is just too dangerous. 
• Arriving an hour early to pick up for fun is...well...not fun.  If parents choose to do that because they do not want their little one to risk being among the last to be picked up from their class, that is their choice.  But its completely unacceptable to expect parents to sit in a car for an hour with other young children waiting for pick up....particularly when it is sub zero outside and snow plows are plowing 100 mph past you.
• I am NOT a fan of the LC situation.  YES I understand the intent, however those of us opting to attend our "home" school suffer because there are not transportation dollars to go around.  The amount spent on JUST the LC transportation is greater than the transportation costs for the REST OF THE DISTRICT!  I even TRIED to open enroll and was denied....but I did not help the socioeconomic status so I would not have gotten transportation anyways.  SIGH, doomed no matter what!

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: One Year Later

It happened one year ago today. I remember what I was wearing.  I remember who I talked to that morning.  I remember the words of the doctor like it happened yesterday.  I remember the dinner that was brought to us that night.  One year ago today I was laying on a table, alone, in my MFM's office watching the screen knowing something was wrong. That was the day I knew for certain my Olive was waiting for me in heaven. Olive had a heavenly, eternal purpose and so went there sooner than his precious sister Blythe.  I suspected a week or two before that something was wrong, but I tried to shrug it off as being paranoid.

If you ask one of the few people who knew we were expecting twins before this post 39% Downloading, they will tell you I tried not to get excited about having twins or the pregnancy in general. It wasn't until the week before October 15, 2013 I got excited. I am not sure what changed that week but I finally was excited. Finally. And then to have my excitement crushed was....well....crushing.  The pain of losing Olive hurt me so much deeper than I ever imagined.  

As the tech whirled the wand around I saw one baby....and she kept whirling.  My heart started beating faster.  She kept whirling.  Now my heart was pounding.  She whirled more.  My lip started to quiver.  I knew she was not "supposed" to tell me any "results", but I needed to know something.  She whirled faster.  I swallowed hard....."I know a baby is gone, please do not make me wait for what will feel like an eternity to hear him say it.  I know the baby is gone."  She hung her head "The other baby is gone."  Tears poured down my cheeks, silently while they finished.  I felt terrible they had to watch me lay there crying while they worked.  As I waited for the doctor all I could do was text Matthew---I physically could not say "We lost the baby".  I could not form the words in my mouth. I simply texted "we lost one baby.  the other is fine for now."  When the silver haired doctor walked in, he said nothing.....he just gave me hug, "I am so sorry.  I am so sorry.  I know this is not the news you hoped to get today, especially without your husband.  But the baby that is there is healthy on all accounts.  I am so sorry."  The rest of the visit is a bit of a fog except for my departure.  Walking out of the office that brisk October morning, I will never forget the expectant moms in the waiting room watching me leave, tears running down my cheeks.  They all looked at me with compassion and fear all at the same time.  I can imagine many of them hoped they would NOT leave the office feeling the way I looked

I never hoped for twins. I never dreamed for twins but when I saw those two heartbeats, I was in love. I was so thankful God entrusted me with two lives (not to mention the two I already had in Caleb and Addison). I was filled with so many exciting hopes and dreams, namely all the kids in our family would have a buddy!!!  Addison and Caleb are only 18 months  apart and are best friends and I was thrilled we would have 3 and 4 "close" together.  Blythe may not have a buddy like we originally thought, but I can tell you one thing---she is well loved.  This whole family is smitten with her sweetness.

It's strange. Seeing twins even today brings me back to that moment I knew Olive was gone. It's more nostalgic than sad. But when I hear complaints about "having to have twins", the pain cuts me so deep I can hardly breathe. I want to shout "well I won't ever know will I!!??" Or "want to trade feelings on the subject of twins?" or simply " SHUT UP".  We all need to vent, I know but when the complaint is framed as a burden it is a little more than venting.

Today will be a day I always reflect on what we have lost, but also a day I celebrate the gift we were given, Blythe.

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: I Love Vacuuming

I love vacuuming.  Maybe I love it because that's the kind of thing Mom's love.  Maybe I appreciate the little things.  Maybe little, by little my house has turned into an insane asylum and the repetitive activity brings me comfort.  I am uncertain the underlying meaning (maybe I should ask a therapist) but here are the reasons vacuuming brings me to my happy place:

1. The gorgeous, breathtaking marks on the carpet...I can actually SEE the progress of what I am doing, unlike my real job of stay at home mom
2. Even if the rest of my house is a disaster, the glimmering lines makes everything appear less disastrous and amazingly tidy.
3. The noise...I can only hear the hum of my Dyson.  No crying, no fighting, no tantrums, no taddling, just humming.
4. Little effort...big return.  It takes 90 seconds to vacuum my living room.  In just 90 seconds I can go from pulling my hair out to euphoria.

And that my friends....is why vacuuming brings a smile to this often disheveled, no make up face.

Confessions of a stay at home mom: Do I shine?

Matthew 5:14-16
14 "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.
15 Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.
16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

As I read this scripture this morning I started to ask myself a few things: do I let my light shine so others can see Christ in me? Do my children see my light? Is it even bright enough for anyone to see? And I am not talking about, do people know I love god because I go to church or say it with my mouth. Anyone can do that!!!! A monkey can do that. I am talking about, does MY LIFE show Christ is the center? Do my actions (like the scripture talks about) bring him glory? Those last two things a monkey can't do.

I get so caught up in life. Sometimes it's the loveliness of life I am caught up in. Sometimes it's the gross parts I get caught up in. Either way I find myself waiting for the next "thing". Even if the next "thing" is only Friday--when I finally have a little help at "work". I wait for the next "thing" so much that I sometimes forget to tend to my light, that is my spiritual life. So I asked myself this morning, how can I make my life shine more? Give more? Do more? Love more?

First I have to pause more. I have to stop beings so busy waiting for the the next thing. I have to take captive every moment! Those quiet moments is ALWAYS when I hear The Father quietly telling me how to shine!

Second I have to listen more. Not only to my Heavenly Father but everyone around me. I can't possibly be a light to others and minister to them if I don't shut up. This is hard for me, I AM CHATTY! I can only shine if I listen to the needs of others, including my three loves!

Third, I have to give and serve. I must serve more. Serving more and listening more go hand and hand for me. I have to listen better to hear better what others need. Christ came to serve. This is the best way for me to shine for him--serve like him. My husband is so good at this.

I often wonder if people can see Christ in me. Do I exude his love and peace? Yikes. That's a scary question. My hearts desire is shine for him in all things. I want it to be evident to anyone who sees me or knows me---He is in my life.

Work in progress. Work in progress.

Confessions of a stay at home mom: looking in the mirror

I had a moment today. One of those moment you wish you could call out "do over" or "take two". My three year old was being naughty in a way unusual her her. I can only assume she was tired since it was nap time. She completely lost it and had a total meltdown downstairs. No big deal right? Send her straight to bed? Well all I could think about was....a) how irritated I was by this uncharacteristic behavior, b) she was going to wake up her brother who had just fallen asleep and c) SHE WAS SO LOUD!!! I didn't want her running past his room screaming. I sat her in timeout in the bathroom downstairs and it just got worse. She got louder. I got more irritated. I threatened. I was mean. It's not important how it all went down but here is what I realized.....As I sternly spouted off things like "hush now" and "if you don't stop this fit then (insert lost privilege)" she got more worked up. (Ignoring her is what I normally do but I way bed her to be quiet so we could GO TO BED).

Then. Amidst all the drama it hit me, I was looking in the mirror. She was being me but at the maturity of a three year old. Sigh. I was upset. So was she.

She's my guinea pig. My first. Everything is new with her. Everything is trial and error. I am realizing that, this is quite novel so go with me, she's three. She. Is. Three. I know my little boy is two. I know what two looks like. I have been there! What is tricky is, she has the intellect and understanding of at least a five year old. I am not boasting. It's real and you agree if you know her. The trick is, her emotional capacity is on track. There is a gap. Huge. I see a five year old. Not a three year old. I expect a five year old. Not a three year old. I see her intelligence more often than her emotional capacity so I treat her like a five year old. It's not fair.

I must repeat that to myself in these "do over" circumstances---she is three, she is three, not five!! My expectations of that sweet girl are so high and after talking to several other veteran moms I relieved to know I am not alone. Many of those moms shared they forgot (and still forget) how old their oldest is.

Next time I look at Addison and see a mirror, I hope it's not a "do over" moment because I messed up (or had an epiphany). I hope it's because it's one of those moments you want to relive over and over and over because of it's sweetness! We have plenty of those but, as a friend recently said in her blog--people look at the train wreck--so today this blog was about the wreck :)

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: I do not think my job is harder...or easier

I hear (or more over hear) conversations about people thinking Stay at Home Mom's have an easy job or SAHM's thinking they have a harder job than working moms.  Or working mom's wishing they could "take a nap".  I arrive at this conclusion particularly from other blogs I read and facebook posts.  It seems like such a pointless topic, but yet here I am posting about it.  I think I just want to set the record straight what I think for anyone who reads this blog, which it seriously might only be my mom and close friends.  In which case, this is not new information.

I am a SAHM.  Always have been and we always knew we would make the career and financial sacrifice to make that possible.  I always will be.  I do not think I have a job any harder than any other person, it is just different.  The demands are different.  The hours are different.  The vacation and sick policy are quite unique.  But one things is certain, I do not think it is harder.

I hear many SAHM's say things like, it is harder than a job that pays money because..."I am always on duty". "I do not get vacation" (assuming or definition of vacation is leaving your "job" to take a break), "I do not earn money for my job", "I do not get a break because my job is always with me", "I don't have sick days", "I do not get a break during the day".  And there are many more.  I have said these things before too, but that does not indicate my job is harder---those are just the things that make it unique and challenging.  NOT HARDER!  Its all just whining when it is done with the "my job is harder" perspective.  Wah, Wah, Wah....suck it up!

I also do not think it is any easier.  I would not know truly if this is the case since I have not worked a full time job since I had children, but I know people who have.  And so far, they agree---it is not any easier to stay at home than work.

I hear working mom's say things like, staying at home is easier than working because..."You can do your house work during the day", "You can nap", "You do not have set hours", "You can run errands", "You do not have to split your time between work and kids", "When I come home from work, I am tired from working all day then I 'have to take care of my kids too'".  And there are so many more!  These are the challenges of being a working mom---not the things that make staying at home EASIER.  When I hear "I wish I could stay at home like you, it would be so much easier", all I can think is "the grass is always greener"...wah wah wah---suck it up!

We all made the choices for our families, whether to work or be at home, for our own reasons.  I just wish we would all take responsibilities for our decisions instead of whining about it and always thinking the other situation is "easier".

Suck it up ladies and be happy with your decision OR DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND CHANGE IT!  I assure you, where there is a will there is a way.  If you want to work, do not complain about it--DO IT.  Be brave, be willing to fight to find the next best child care to you possible!  And stop at nothing to find the job YOU WANT, make it worth the time away from your kids.

If you work and want to be at home with your cuties---DO IT! Be brave enough to make the financial sacrifices needed to make it happen, even if that means you downsize your house (size and/or luxury downsizing), cutting off you precious cable or iphone!

So.  No more whining?  Thanks!

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Ignorance

Ignorance is not the same as stupidity. Ignorance is lack of knowledge. For example, I am ignorant about all things medical that I have not experienced personally. I could learn it and thus-good bye ignorance. Stupidity is lacking intelligence or common sense. I look at stupidity as you nearly choose to not to accept the common sense. To me, stupidity is chosen. Ignorance is not.

Here's the confession part.....

I overheard a conversation today at the park from someone I have to hope is ignorant. The park was busy today; daycares, individuals and clearly stay at home mommies with play groups all gathered to entertain kids. (Kids should I mention that like myself were stuck in a winter that lasted 6 months---we are all desperate to be outside no matter the cost). I can only assume this person was a daycare worker/owner a) based on the number and diversity of kids she had in tow and b) the conversation that ensued.It was more of a ranting monologue as the other parties in the "conversation" nodded heads more than participated.

"Look at these women. All these women who ain't workin' and never been workin'. It must be nice to not be a working mom. I wish I didn't have to be a working mom. I want to sit around at the park all day or just do nothin like that."

Does anyone actually think staying at home is easy? And she's running a daycare, shouldn't she know that taking care of kids is not nothing!? This is a soapbox I realize but come on....are you serious? Clearly the fact that some days I don't change out of pjs means I did nothing but watch tv right? I instantly thought: I had a very successful career and that was cake compared to what I do now. What I do now has eternal value. Sales communications, sales reports, sales contents, sales process is easy street. Easy street. Again, soap box but please tell me people don't actually think this? Ignorance right? She just doesn't know a real stay at home mom right? It's got to be the case. It must.
I should have joined in and rebutted "must be nice to have a job. And be paid. To sit at the park and do nothing".

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: A Peculiar Dream

I have a dream. Some people think it is strange, some may even think it is looney but it is still my dream.  I would be honored to be a surrogate for someone.  A surrogate for one special, loving and godly family.  Why?  Why oh why would I dream such a dream?
First, I find great joy in pregnancy.  Sure there are parts of it that are less enjoyable than others, but that's everything in life right?  I love the entire adventure despite the tiredness, aches, pains, weight gain, etc.  The kicks, flutters and knowing I am carrying a life outweighs all the rest so quickly.  Pregnancy is so unique; nine short months and you know that it will end.  Pregnancy always ends, that we know.  How can you not love it knowing that?  Admittedly I think I have had relatively easy pregnancies---I guess.
Also, I think my body must like being pregnant.  Both pregnancies resulted in inductions and even that barely coaxed them out :)  And I can hold a big ole baby in there--mine were both almost ten pounds.
I even found enjoyment in the long labors with both my children.  This is another thing we know will end.  You wont be in labor forever, although it feels like that sometimes!
And most importantly, I have experienced becoming a mommy and it is by far the most wonderful calling of my life.  Challenging, especially since I stay at home and live it 24/7, but wonderful.  As I said before, with anything good there will always be moments of not AS good.  I would consider it a privilege to help someone else in their journey to become a mommy.  And I am pro adoption too---this is just another alternative (side note, that's another dream--adoption).  What an honor if I could be part of growing someone's family.  Wow.
When I share this dream with others I am often asked some like "how can you carry that baby and not 'want' it?" I do not have a crystal ball but I think God equips us and that baby is no way genetically mine. I view it as I am babysitting for 9 months. This special family would be as much a part of it as me!!! It's theirs. Not mine. They are trusting me to care for their baby for those nine sweet months. Perhaps I over simplify.
This maybe one of those things that always stays a dream and that is fine. Yummy In The Tummy Dreams are sometimes intended to be just that, a dream not a reality.  But I cannot help but wonder if one day this dream COULD come true.  Maybe.  Maybe.  Call me crazy.  I call me a dreamer.

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Shirtless Meals

I see many of my fellow mom's posting pictures of the sweet little ones eating and often they are shirtless.  When Addison was a young toddler I would wonder why this was--were they hot?  Were they THAT messy?  Was it just before bathtime?  I finally learned that most of my mom friends did this because even though their child wore a bib, they were still messy.  Messy, WITH a bib on?  How is that possible I thought?  Then there was my Addison....the child who always does things differently than the norm.  Of course I had no idea how abnormal she was until I had a normal, messy, toddler.  (Please do no misunderstand me, abnormal is wonderful--I am not complaining).

Addison has always been a fairly neat eater.  It may fall around the edges of her plate, but rarely has it ever gotten much on her shirt or bib on an everyday basis.  Even before 12 months she was not messy.  So as I said--I wondered, why the shirtless meals?

Enter my sweet Caleb.  Oh my dearest little Caleb.  I have learned why shirtless meals make sense...his sleeves and even pants are covered in anything he eats.  Every.  Single.  Meal.  Well today is the last day he will stain the sleeves of a shirt.  He will be eating in a short sleeved onesie until summer---then we go shirtless.

All you moms out there feeding shirtless, I commend you for figuring this out sooner than me.  I confess, I was a little slow to figure this one out :)

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Parenting vs Friendship

Today I confess that being a parent vs a friend to your child is HARD; this is not an experience exclusive to a stay at home mommies.  I was never naive enough to think that parenting would be easy, but as we approach critical parenting opportunities with our toddler, I am realizing it is far more challenging than I thought.  I find myself thinking things like, "wouldn't it be easier to let them have their way", "follow through isn't important is it", "they wont remember me getting upset will they", "I just want to play with them and ignore all their sin nature", "forget teaching them all the important virtues, they will just figure it out right", etc.

It is far easier to allow my children to run our household, attend to their every whim (which as we all know changes every moment), cater to their every desire, bow to their every tantrum and ultimately allow them to be in charge.  The challenge lies in teaching our children the virtues and morals that God expects us to.  There is a delicate balance between teaching/discipline and loving/nurturing.  The two are not mutually exclusive, however I find loving/nurturing much easier than teaching/disciplining.  Discipline is not all hugs, giggles, harmony, flowers and hearts.  Discipline can hurt, sometimes the parent more than the child.  How much easier would it be for me to ignore Addison's indignant "NO" or knocking over her brother or simply running off when I call her or "so and so took my toy so I snatched it back"  Instead, we must teach her RESPECT ("you do not tell mommy no" followed by consequence), KINDNESS ("pushing people is unkind, Jesus teaches us to be kind to others" followed by consequence and apology), again RESPECT and finally LOVE ("we must love others even when they are not being loving towards us").  There are many other imperative virtues, but you get the point.  I would much rather just ignore everything and cross my fingers that we get lucky and they turn out fine.  OR even better---rely on someone else to teach/discipline them somewhere along the way!!!!

I hate, hate, hate disciplining my children.  I hate seeing the "hurt" (really I think its remorse) on their face.  I HATE seeing them unhappy.  I HATE it.  But I think I would hate myself more if I gave up and they didn't learn the virtues which are ultimately those of a Christ follower.  I would regret it.  And I would be failure.

Today I am worn out from being a parent.  Today was a day I wanted to give up.  I am not proud of how every tiny little discipline opportunity panned out, but I am not perfect.  The important thing is I DID NOT give up and WILL NOT give up even when a lot of the world around me tells me NOT to be a parent but rather a friend---to take the easy way out, the path of least resistance.

In the words of a friend's email to me tonight....tomorrow is a new day!

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Exhausted

Since April 1, 2010 I have felt like I have been in a constant state of exhaustion. I used to think I was a whimp but I haven't, until recently, really understood (or maybe believed) why I live feeling exhausted day in and day out.
Very few of you know that I got a little part time job, 15 hours a week or so (only 1/3 of the hours are when my kids are actually awake too!!!). Why? to FORCE me out of the house. leaving the house strictly for social reasons made me feel guilty and I frequently find excuses not to go since i "don't do anything all day long". I thought surely I would not be able to function the days after I work because I play wife and mommy all day then work until 10 pm. I found the very opposite to be true. I am LESS tired the days I work at the part time job. The days I am ONLY a SAHM are far more tiring. No comparison. I realized it is because my real job is far more emotional than any "real world" part time job. It's simply draining to care for your own children each day because you know what? The job of a SAHM never truly ends, we are always on. Always. I never knew how exhausting the emotional aspect of my job was until I had something to compare to.
I think the majority of the exhaustion is rooted in knowing the decisions I make (big and small) impact so many generations to come. Not only do I effect Addison and Caleb---I effect their children and their children etc. I don't consciously think that all day long but because I/we strive to raise our children to be loving, responsible, independent, god fearing, productive people it takes a lot of work each day. Easy street beckons me each day---be a friend not a parent, cater to them, no boundaries, relinquish my parenting to others, neglect their natural abilities, avoid teaching them, avoid disciplining lalalala!
This realization actually brought me relief---I am not just a tired whimp!!!! My SAHM job IS exhausting. Not to mention i do more than babysit all day long...pay bills, clean, grocery shop, cook, be a wife, laundry, etc. I wouldn't change it for anything but I am thankful things are finally all starting to make sense.
And I might also be tired because its 1139 pm and I am still awake!!!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Confession of a stay at home mom: frozen

When one of my babies is crying and I know there is nothing wrong other than they are overtired or blowing off steam, I am frozen. After troubleshooting for problems, all that I can do is let them cry it out for a bit. [I know a lot of my friends are not advocates of cry it out and that's fine, we are all different. But you still know what I am talking about---those moments when they cry and there is nothing more you can do but, hold them/let them cry it out]
During these unpleasant moments, I am mentally frozen. I cannot complete a thought. I cannot read and I can hardly carry on a conversation. I am not even sure what I am thinking-it's like I am blank.
In fact, my diminished mental status causes me to be physically frozen too. I can physically do very little when they are crying, especially when they both are!
Anyone else feel frozen sometimes? :)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Enjoy the Moment

After a challenging day when I just feel like I need a break (aka last confessions post), the following day I always try to simply enjoy my children. Forget the cleaning. Forget the schedule (well for the most part). Forget the cooking. After my September 25 post, I did just that--enjoyed the moment. We went to the zoo with some other friends and I am so glad we did; that's the most fun I have had in a while. Caleb missed his morning nap completely. He went down way too late for a marathon afternoon nap and Addison's nap was also monumentally late. All that was forgotten as I watched the the smiles and heard the infectious giggles of not only my children but my friends little ones as well.

What a wonderful way to follow a challenging day! I know I sound like a broken record, but wow...I am so thankful. The challenging days make these sweet moments even sweeter. I can't imagine missing these moments. I fall short so many moments out of the day, but I am thankful for our Father's forgiveness and teachings.  It is amazing how much an 11 month old and a 2 year old can teach me each day; I never though I would learn so much from such young children!  I sure do love my sweet babies!

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Declaring Sanctuary

I confess that today, today I wish I had a job to find refuge from the fussy fanatics that were my children today.  "SANCTUARY, SANCTUARY" is what I was lamenting in my head today.  I will not go into the details of why, but it was just one of those challenging days.  I just wanted to get away from the fussing and when I looked at my watch I realized, if I worked I would be working right now rather then listening to the gut wrenching cries of my little ones (I know some of you are very against cry it out, but just go with me here).  I also thought about how I would be talking to adults at that very moment instead of tired babies that cannot rationalize anything.

In hindsight I always realize it was not as bad as it felt in the moment but it does not make the moment any easier.  It is also in hindsight that I can rationally look back on the moment and realize, although I will always experience more bad moments being around my children 24/7 I will also experience more good.  Missing first words, first steps, first sentences, first scraped knee, first trip to the playground, first time to get stuck standing up in the crib, etc would break my heart.  I cannot imagine missing those sweet first moments and that also means, I get to experience the not so fun ones too.  I will take it.

Perhaps I am alone in occasional moments like this.  But it is moments like this that make me realize how blessed and yet incredibly challenged I am to have the privilege of being home with my children.

I am thankful for a friend who reminded me today that the lord renews us each day.  Today was the pits, but He renews me tomorrow.

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Its Official. I Am A Mom

I was not fully initiated into motherhood until last weekend when the first stomach bug hit a Grant Gang kid and I was forced to handle it---alone. Just a few days after Matthew's departure are when symptoms began to appear and they did not fully subside until two days before his return.  He missed all the stomach bug fun! Before this lovely initiation exercise, I only thought I was a real mommy--NOT SO.  I feel like I have seen most of the fun and not so fun mommy experiences.

For those of you who know me well, you know I have a HUGE phobia of throw up.  I get light headed, racing heart, everything when I hear, smell or even think about puke.  I remember asking my mom "What will I do when I have kids that puke, I won't be able to handle it!".  Like many mothers speaking to inexperienced mothers or mothers to be she responded with "It is different with when it is your own child".  I assured her she was incorrect in this particular instance.  As is frequently the case---she was right :)

Matthew left on a Sunday and by the following Wednesday Addison's eating was very off.  She was putting up a fight eating, not eating much (VERY unlike her), being picky, etc.  After being up in the morning for only an hour she was begging for a nap.  I chalked it up to Daddy being gone....I was wrong.  By Friday, she was eating next to nothing.  And Saturday, lower stomach symptoms appeared and Sunday morning my biggest fear became a reality--she threw up!!!!!!!!!  My mom was right, it was much different than I expected.  I did not flip out.  Instead I was calm.  All I could think about was 1) she is terrified 2) she is confused 3) I want to do anything and everything to make her feel better and more comfortable 4) please do not let Caleb crawl into it.  Since it is a phobia for me, I got an adrenaline rush which made me get shaky, LOL!!!  I immediately called MY mom to see what to do hahahaha!!!

Addison's appetite was not back until the following Thursday and when it came back---BOY did it come back.  Since then she has literally been eating non stop.  She has fully recovered aside from some lingering potty training issues that popped up from being sick.  It was bad timing because potty trips was JUST becoming a non event to her.

I am thankful she is better---it broke my heart to see her sick for over a week.  She is almost 2.5 years old and this is the first REAL illness that she has had.  The rest has been little colds here and there (which probably really started with bad allergies).  THANK YOU BREASTFEEDING--I BELIEVE IN IT!!!! So far Caleb, my brother or I has not gotten sick.  After hearing news of two food product recalls that Addison ate, think this may have been salmonella poisoning.  Honestly---who knows and who cares because we have our healthy Addison back!!!

Sunday Morning just before the puke :(

My pukey princess...she has a different shirt on than she did in the picture above, can you guess why? 

Little plain toast hoping it would stay down

Caleb's quarantine

Notice the vacuum and resolve in the background

Puke bucket doesn't do much good like that

He still seems fine!!

Fresh air and coloring always makes you feel better