Today we reflect on the day we lost Olive. Today was the day, five years ago, I sat in a doctor's office alone, watching a screen, without that second heartbeat. October 15, 2014 it was no longer Rhema (now Blythe) and Olive but just our fighter, bigger than life, magical, sassy Blythe. If you want to be brought totally up to speed, check out these posts, 39% Downloading, Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: One Year Later, and Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Two Years Later.
Most of what I feel now is wonderment. Wonderment from so many angles.
- With the first two pregnancies prior to Blythe, we never had an ultrasound as early as we did with her...I WONDER, would we have ever known it was twins if we did not have the early scan?
- We never planned our number of children, but after the immediate discovery we were pregnant with #3, we said we would be "done"....I WONDER, would we have a #4, Lincoln, otherwise?
- Once we discovered we were pregnant with twins, my mind never left the thought of having four children, even after we lost the baby...again...I WONDER, was this God's way of getting us the four precious children we have? Is this how we were blessed with Lincoln?
- What would it be like to have those twins? I often WONDER and dream.
- What would life be like if it was not exactly the way it is now? I WONDER.
- How will this story be used? I WONDER if it will touch anyone, anywhere.
To all you moms out there impacted by what today means, especially if it is fresh, I know it hurts. Lamentations 3:22-23 says 22 "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; 23 they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." This is true..but wait...I read this countless times when the sadness was the deepest and it did not feel true. I think it is because I wanted to feel totally "new", FAST. As I really thought about it, I did feel his mercies new everyday, but SMALL, just a little "new" everyday. Slow. Steady. Until, I arrived at the last part of the verse months later; where I could feel genuinely: Great is Your Faithfulness. This is the Thankful. So my friend, hang on. Slow and Steady.
So. There is some of the beautiful mess five years later. I know it could have been a bigger mess. But today I am thankful for the mess I was given.
