Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Five Years Ago

I have been thinking about this post all month.  I do not write one every year on this topic, but this year I felt I needed to.  Why?  Not sure, maybe one of you can tell me.  I have written it and re-written it so many times I have lost count.  The perfect words seem to escape me...until I realized this is messy.  It is not perfect.  It is messy.  But a beautiful messy.

Today we reflect on the day we lost Olive.  Today was the day, five years ago, I sat in a doctor's office alone, watching a screen, without that second heartbeat.  October 15, 2014 it was no longer Rhema (now Blythe) and Olive but just our fighter, bigger than life, magical, sassy Blythe.  If you want to be brought totally up to speed, check out these posts,  39% Downloading, Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: One Year Later, and  Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Two Years Later.

Most of what I feel now is wonderment.  Wonderment from so many angles.

1. With the first two pregnancies prior to Blythe, we never had an ultrasound as early as we did with her...I WONDER, would we have ever known it was twins if we did not have the early scan?
2. We never planned our number of children, but after the immediate discovery we were pregnant with #3, we said we would be "done"....I WONDER, would we have a #4, Lincoln, otherwise? 
3. Once we discovered we were pregnant with twins, my mind never left the thought of having four children, even after we lost the baby...again...I WONDER, was this God's way of getting us the four precious children we have?  Is this how we were blessed with Lincoln? 
4. What would it be like to have those twins?  I often WONDER and dream.
5. What would life be like if it was not exactly the way it is now?  I WONDER.
6. How will this story be used?  I WONDER if it will touch anyone, anywhere.

As I sit here wandering around in my wondering, I do find my destination.  My destination is thankful.  I am incredibly thankful it all happened.  Was it pleasant?  No.  Was it worth it?  Absolutely.  Does my heart still skip a beat when I see twins (which is A LOT)? Yes it does.  I am thankful for it all.  Immeasurably more good and glory to our ALWAYS LOVING God came from this experience.  I felt peace and comfort from my Heavenly Father in a way I never felt before.  It brought me closer to my husband, closer to my friends.  I have Lincoln.  I have an opportunity to share this story with others that may be experiencing something similar, now or in the past.  I am most thankful, I got to keep one.  And every night (well almost) I kiss her goodnight I remember what a gift she really is.

To all you moms out there impacted by what today means, especially if it is fresh, I know it hurts.  Lamentations 3:22-23 says ²² "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; ²³ they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  This is true..but wait...I read this countless times when the sadness was the deepest and it did not feel true.  I think it is because I wanted to feel totally "new", FAST.  As I really thought about it, I did feel his mercies new everyday, but SMALL, just a little "new" everyday.  Slow.  Steady.  Until, I arrived at the last part of the verse months later; where I could feel genuinely: Great is Your Faithfulness.  This is the Thankful.  So my friend, hang on.  Slow and Steady. 


So.  There is some of the beautiful mess five years later.  I know it could have been a bigger mess.  But today I am thankful for the mess I was given. 

Halloween 2017

 Halloween 2017

Halloween is always fun because it is also Caleb's birthday just a few days before.  Caleb's birthday theme is usually also his Halloween theme, this year...Ninjago!

Alice, Ninjago, Minnie-Rella, Clifford (this is the third grant to wear the same Clifford costume)

Caleb as Jay from Ninjago

Lincoln as Clifford

The weekend before Halloween we went to our Church's Fall Festival.  They had inflatables, hay rides, petting zoo, smores and tons of games!

Petting a Goat

Petting Bunnies

On a hayride with some of our favorite people to do life with

After the cookie walk

 

Allie 10 months, Lincoln 9 months

Alexis and Addison doing the bean bag toss

Blythe all girly for Halloween

Family Pictures 2017

To celebrate Lincoln graduating from his cranial band AND turning one AND joining our family....we decided to have some family photos done.  My friend Rachel did a great job and was so patient with our scheduling.  Between weather and sickness it took three sessions to get these done, so yeah...she was patient.

These pictures really capture our family.  In their entirety you will not see precise hair, cooperative children, ideally coordinating outfits, quintessential smiles, or perfectly posed shots....but what you will see is who they are, both the perfect and imperfect.  I love photos like this.  They capture life, which is far from perfect.  When we look back on these photos we will remember their personalities so accurately. 

Addison 7, Caleb 5, Lincoln 1, Blythe 3

Addison 7, Caleb 5, Lincoln 1, Blythe 3  This is a pretty accurate interpretation of our children

The Grant Gang 2017, Capturing where we live at the moment, Suwanee, GA (we seem to be nomads)

Caleb 5, Blythe 3, Lincoln 1, Addison 7; Yeah thats about right at one person being silly in the photo

Caleb 5, Blythe 3, Lincoln 1, Addison 7

The Grant Gang 2017

THIS is US

The older sibs

Someone is escaping!

Someone is escaping!

 

Yeah it is all smiles and giggles for Blythe until.......

The ACTUAL baby joins the photo :)

Addison 7; She is full of knowledge and wisdom beyond her years.  She is nurturing, kind, gifted, loving, patient and a rule follower.  She will succeed in anything she sets out to do.  Addison makes parenting easy and teaches me more than I could ever teach her.

Caleb 5; This photogenic boy loves people BIG, I mean BIG.  He crazy loves his family and has already demonstrated he would do anything to protect them.  His self sacrificing personality (or as we call it his "give you his last cookie" personality) is inspiring.  You will never in your life EVER meet someone so loving...EVER.  He will make an amazing husband and father one day, much like his Daddy.  Watch out ladies, he is a keeper.

I am sorry....but does he TAKE bad photos?

Blythe 3 years, Oh this girl---this look sums her up perfectly.  Blythe is electric, she can brighten the gloomiest day.  She can cheer up the most sorrowful.  She marches by the beat of a different drum.  As young as 18 months old, people would follow her.  She is a leader.  She is strong.  She is brave.  She is Blythe. ROOOOARRRR :)

Blythe 3, Cheesing it up :)

Blythe 3, Looking like her Daddy here

I warn you...here begin the Lincoln photos and there are a lot.  We did not publish photos of him while he was in his band so I went a little crazy here because....well...I love him and THAT ZANY HAIR!!

 

Lincoln 1; This is the perfect picture because his hair is show cased and this has been his favorite face since he was about 9 months.  Lincoln has been such a chill baby after the move settled down.  He does not like to be alone...but why would he...he never has to be!  He makes us laugh with all his funny talking and faces.  He has a contagious cackle.  Lincoln has a gentleness about him that I cannot accurately describe in such a little one, but its quite remarkable.  I am excited to see his personality change and evolve.

Lincoln 1, Caleb 5.  My loving boys.

Blythe 3, Addison 7.  My sassy girls.

These children may never completely understand what a wonder father they have. He is a beautiful combination of of the children's personality; he gave Addison genuine kindness; he gave Caleb a self-sacrificing nature; he gave Blythe her electricity--you just WANT to be around Matthew (those who know him know what I am talking about); he gave Lincoln gentleness.  Go back and read how I described them above.  These photos---This is him.  This is Matthew.

We gave up trying to be serious...and it was way more fun!

Life IS crazy.  Life IS exhausting.  Life IS overwhelming most days.

BUT

Life IS filled with laughter.  Life IS filled with love.  Life IS filled with forgiveness.  

Life IS filled FULL with these people.  These people I love and that love me...despite me :)