Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Five Years Ago

I have been thinking about this post all month.  I do not write one every year on this topic, but this year I felt I needed to.  Why?  Not sure, maybe one of you can tell me.  I have written it and re-written it so many times I have lost count.  The perfect words seem to escape me...until I realized this is messy.  It is not perfect.  It is messy.  But a beautiful messy.

Today we reflect on the day we lost Olive.  Today was the day, five years ago, I sat in a doctor's office alone, watching a screen, without that second heartbeat.  October 15, 2014 it was no longer Rhema (now Blythe) and Olive but just our fighter, bigger than life, magical, sassy Blythe.  If you want to be brought totally up to speed, check out these posts,  39% Downloading, Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: One Year Later, and  Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Two Years Later.

Most of what I feel now is wonderment.  Wonderment from so many angles.

1. With the first two pregnancies prior to Blythe, we never had an ultrasound as early as we did with her...I WONDER, would we have ever known it was twins if we did not have the early scan?
2. We never planned our number of children, but after the immediate discovery we were pregnant with #3, we said we would be "done"....I WONDER, would we have a #4, Lincoln, otherwise? 
3. Once we discovered we were pregnant with twins, my mind never left the thought of having four children, even after we lost the baby...again...I WONDER, was this God's way of getting us the four precious children we have?  Is this how we were blessed with Lincoln? 
4. What would it be like to have those twins?  I often WONDER and dream.
5. What would life be like if it was not exactly the way it is now?  I WONDER.
6. How will this story be used?  I WONDER if it will touch anyone, anywhere.

As I sit here wandering around in my wondering, I do find my destination.  My destination is thankful.  I am incredibly thankful it all happened.  Was it pleasant?  No.  Was it worth it?  Absolutely.  Does my heart still skip a beat when I see twins (which is A LOT)? Yes it does.  I am thankful for it all.  Immeasurably more good and glory to our ALWAYS LOVING God came from this experience.  I felt peace and comfort from my Heavenly Father in a way I never felt before.  It brought me closer to my husband, closer to my friends.  I have Lincoln.  I have an opportunity to share this story with others that may be experiencing something similar, now or in the past.  I am most thankful, I got to keep one.  And every night (well almost) I kiss her goodnight I remember what a gift she really is.

To all you moms out there impacted by what today means, especially if it is fresh, I know it hurts.  Lamentations 3:22-23 says ²² "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; ²³ they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  This is true..but wait...I read this countless times when the sadness was the deepest and it did not feel true.  I think it is because I wanted to feel totally "new", FAST.  As I really thought about it, I did feel his mercies new everyday, but SMALL, just a little "new" everyday.  Slow.  Steady.  Until, I arrived at the last part of the verse months later; where I could feel genuinely: Great is Your Faithfulness.  This is the Thankful.  So my friend, hang on.  Slow and Steady. 


So.  There is some of the beautiful mess five years later.  I know it could have been a bigger mess.  But today I am thankful for the mess I was given.