Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: One Year Later

It happened one year ago today. I remember what I was wearing.  I remember who I talked to that morning.  I remember the words of the doctor like it happened yesterday.  I remember the dinner that was brought to us that night.  One year ago today I was laying on a table, alone, in my MFM's office watching the screen knowing something was wrong. That was the day I knew for certain my Olive was waiting for me in heaven. Olive had a heavenly, eternal purpose and so went there sooner than his precious sister Blythe.  I suspected a week or two before that something was wrong, but I tried to shrug it off as being paranoid.

If you ask one of the few people who knew we were expecting twins before this post 39% Downloading, they will tell you I tried not to get excited about having twins or the pregnancy in general. It wasn't until the week before October 15, 2013 I got excited. I am not sure what changed that week but I finally was excited. Finally. And then to have my excitement crushed was....well....crushing.  The pain of losing Olive hurt me so much deeper than I ever imagined.  

As the tech whirled the wand around I saw one baby....and she kept whirling.  My heart started beating faster.  She kept whirling.  Now my heart was pounding.  She whirled more.  My lip started to quiver.  I knew she was not "supposed" to tell me any "results", but I needed to know something.  She whirled faster.  I swallowed hard....."I know a baby is gone, please do not make me wait for what will feel like an eternity to hear him say it.  I know the baby is gone."  She hung her head "The other baby is gone."  Tears poured down my cheeks, silently while they finished.  I felt terrible they had to watch me lay there crying while they worked.  As I waited for the doctor all I could do was text Matthew---I physically could not say "We lost the baby".  I could not form the words in my mouth. I simply texted "we lost one baby.  the other is fine for now."  When the silver haired doctor walked in, he said nothing.....he just gave me hug, "I am so sorry.  I am so sorry.  I know this is not the news you hoped to get today, especially without your husband.  But the baby that is there is healthy on all accounts.  I am so sorry."  The rest of the visit is a bit of a fog except for my departure.  Walking out of the office that brisk October morning, I will never forget the expectant moms in the waiting room watching me leave, tears running down my cheeks.  They all looked at me with compassion and fear all at the same time.  I can imagine many of them hoped they would NOT leave the office feeling the way I looked

I never hoped for twins. I never dreamed for twins but when I saw those two heartbeats, I was in love. I was so thankful God entrusted me with two lives (not to mention the two I already had in Caleb and Addison). I was filled with so many exciting hopes and dreams, namely all the kids in our family would have a buddy!!!  Addison and Caleb are only 18 months  apart and are best friends and I was thrilled we would have 3 and 4 "close" together.  Blythe may not have a buddy like we originally thought, but I can tell you one thing---she is well loved.  This whole family is smitten with her sweetness.

It's strange. Seeing twins even today brings me back to that moment I knew Olive was gone. It's more nostalgic than sad. But when I hear complaints about "having to have twins", the pain cuts me so deep I can hardly breathe. I want to shout "well I won't ever know will I!!??" Or "want to trade feelings on the subject of twins?" or simply " SHUT UP".  We all need to vent, I know but when the complaint is framed as a burden it is a little more than venting.

Today will be a day I always reflect on what we have lost, but also a day I celebrate the gift we were given, Blythe.

Interview with Addison (4.5 years)

Addison is so funny these days.  Here is a little interview with her....

What do you want to be when you grow up: Doctor

Hero:  daddy

How old is daddy: 31

How old does daddy act: 32

How old is mommy: 31

How old does mommy act: 21

Favorite number: 100

What does daddy do:  work; catching bad guys and putting them in jail

Best friend:  Alexis, Caleb, Blythe

Favorite color: pink and purple

What does mommy do: pay groceries

How many kids do you want one day: 33

Favorite thing to do: sleep

Favorite food: cake

Favorite activity: duck duck goose

Favorite book: bob books 

Favorite bible story: Nahman; that he got better from his leprosy

Favorite clothing: skirt

If you could go anywhere in the whole world where would you go?: Disney world

What do you want your husband to look like: daddy, curvy toes, blue eyes, eat lots of desserts

Favorite animal: snakes

Favorite song:  Jesus loves the little children

Happy 5 Months Old Blythe

Blythe Juliette is 5 Months old; I cannot even believe it!

The Stats

Diaper: 3

Clothes: 9 months

Other Fun Facts

Swaddle:  We tried not swaddling for naps for about two weeks and she was not making it through her cycle changes well.  We will try again in a month.  For now she is swaddled for every sleep time except for her third/final nap (cat nap) of the day.

Eating:  GIRL LOVES TO EAT FOOD!  Shes eating lunch and dinner right now--I am holding off on adding breakfast as long as I can because that will throw a whole new level of complexity on school days.

Paci:  Suddenly this month she decided she loves the paci---YAY!  She can keep it in most of her nap now---YAY!

Mobility:  She is rolling back to tummy immediately after you lay her down on her back.  Her rolling ability is why I stopped swaddling her for a while, but once she started taking the paci I stopped worrying so much about her rolling over in bed.  She hasn't rolled over in bed yet though.  She does not roll from tummy to back very often, if at all.  She is pushing up on her toes and spinning around when she is playing on her tummy.

Sleep:  She has made HUGE improvements!!!!!  Although maintaining the sleep training was incredibly hard with Matthew gone, I am glad we kept with it.  I tend to question myself when Matthew is not around so it was challenging for me to listen to CIO when he was gone, but I am glad we stuck with it!  She takes three naps a day now and sleeps about 11.5 hours at night.  Her schedule is a lot different than my first two because of preschool three mornings a week, but she is going with the flow well.

745 am:  Nurse, get dressed, start day

745-915/930 am:  Wake time (MWF she does tummy time until 835 when we leave for school and then is in the car seat the rest of the time, poor thing'; Tu/Th/Sat she does tummy time until the bigs are done with breakfast then does her jumper)

915/930-1115/1130 pm:  Nap

1200 pm:  Nurse, solids

1200-115/130 pm:  Wake Time (sibling time, books, tummy time)

130-400 pm:  Nap

400 pm:  Nurse, solids

400-545 pm:  Wake time (bumbo outside, bouncy seat while I cook, high chair while we eat)

545-630 pm:  Cat Nap

630-730 pm:  Snuggles with mommy while we watch the bigs play

730 pm:  Bath, lotion, pjs

745 pm:  Nurse, straight to bed

1030/1045:  Dreamfeed bottle (5 oz breast milk)

Disposition:  She is such a sweet and happy baby.  She lives up to her name which means care free---she is easy and now that we have reflux and dairy issues in check she is simply a JOY to be around.  Our entire family just dotes on her--its cute!

Separation Anxiety:  My poor friend Jenn watched Blythe the other night and Blythe was a little upset when she realized I was not around.  I was hoping baby three would miss the separation anxiety genes, but I guess not.  Least I had a break from it between kids this time!

Church:  By now my other two kids had been in the nursery at church for months, but Blythe (unlike the other two) will fall asleep in my arms.  She barely makes a peep during the service so I hold her and she takes a 45 min snooze in my arms,  Obviously it is not the usual 2 hour nap, but when the nursery is too much fun and she wont sleep in there.  I am relishing these days she will sleep in my arms because as soon as she wont---it is to the nursery!

Please Excuse my silly high pitched voices---its the only way to get her cuteness on camera!

My darling Blythe:

You will never know the joy you bring to our family.  You were (and are) the most perfect addition to our family.  Your brother and sister love you more than anything and daddy and I cannot stop talking about your sweet nature.  You are truly a precious gift from God, our little survivor!!!  Every time I look at your big beautiful green eyes I am reminded of the giving God we serve.  I pray that you will find Jesus at an early age.  I pray you will serve and follow him above all things.  Learn from your siblings.  Watch your brother and you will learn how to be loving, care free and how to light up a room with your joy.  Watch your sister and you will learn how to be compassionate, intentional, nurturing and determined.  Watch your daddy and you will learn how to have a servants heart.  I love you my sweet little Juliette!

Blythe's First Foods

On September 19, 2014---Our Blythe tried food for the first time.  The video is below.  She had homemade green beans for her first experience.  Excuse y camera work...I had Addison and Caleb on either side of me and I was holding the camera to film and the iPad for Matthew to watch HA!




Her idiosyncrasy is that LONG tongue of hers---she sticks it out CONSTANTLY, especially when she wants a smile.  It cracks the entire family up every time she does it.  Below is just the beginning of what I am sure will be lots of food messes with that funny little tongue.  Love her.

Hill rolling

This is their new favorite past time!