Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Five Years Ago

I have been thinking about this post all month.  I do not write one every year on this topic, but this year I felt I needed to.  Why?  Not sure, maybe one of you can tell me.  I have written it and re-written it so many times I have lost count.  The perfect words seem to escape me...until I realized this is messy.  It is not perfect.  It is messy.  But a beautiful messy.

Today we reflect on the day we lost Olive.  Today was the day, five years ago, I sat in a doctor's office alone, watching a screen, without that second heartbeat.  October 15, 2014 it was no longer Rhema (now Blythe) and Olive but just our fighter, bigger than life, magical, sassy Blythe.  If you want to be brought totally up to speed, check out these posts,  39% Downloading, Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: One Year Later, and  Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Two Years Later.

Most of what I feel now is wonderment.  Wonderment from so many angles.

1. With the first two pregnancies prior to Blythe, we never had an ultrasound as early as we did with her...I WONDER, would we have ever known it was twins if we did not have the early scan?
2. We never planned our number of children, but after the immediate discovery we were pregnant with #3, we said we would be "done"....I WONDER, would we have a #4, Lincoln, otherwise? 
3. Once we discovered we were pregnant with twins, my mind never left the thought of having four children, even after we lost the baby...again...I WONDER, was this God's way of getting us the four precious children we have?  Is this how we were blessed with Lincoln? 
4. What would it be like to have those twins?  I often WONDER and dream.
5. What would life be like if it was not exactly the way it is now?  I WONDER.
6. How will this story be used?  I WONDER if it will touch anyone, anywhere.

As I sit here wandering around in my wondering, I do find my destination.  My destination is thankful.  I am incredibly thankful it all happened.  Was it pleasant?  No.  Was it worth it?  Absolutely.  Does my heart still skip a beat when I see twins (which is A LOT)? Yes it does.  I am thankful for it all.  Immeasurably more good and glory to our ALWAYS LOVING God came from this experience.  I felt peace and comfort from my Heavenly Father in a way I never felt before.  It brought me closer to my husband, closer to my friends.  I have Lincoln.  I have an opportunity to share this story with others that may be experiencing something similar, now or in the past.  I am most thankful, I got to keep one.  And every night (well almost) I kiss her goodnight I remember what a gift she really is.

To all you moms out there impacted by what today means, especially if it is fresh, I know it hurts.  Lamentations 3:22-23 says ²² "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; ²³ they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  This is true..but wait...I read this countless times when the sadness was the deepest and it did not feel true.  I think it is because I wanted to feel totally "new", FAST.  As I really thought about it, I did feel his mercies new everyday, but SMALL, just a little "new" everyday.  Slow.  Steady.  Until, I arrived at the last part of the verse months later; where I could feel genuinely: Great is Your Faithfulness.  This is the Thankful.  So my friend, hang on.  Slow and Steady. 


So.  There is some of the beautiful mess five years later.  I know it could have been a bigger mess.  But today I am thankful for the mess I was given. 

Happy 8th Birthday Addison

Addison decided she wanted a small gathering this year .  After a quick bite of pizza, we took her two friends and Caleb to see a movie.  After laughing for an hour and a half at the movie Peter Rabbit, we returned back to our house for a craft and cake.  I must say, it was nice to have a slow paced small party.  BUT just because she chose a small party, I did not want to skip completely on decorations.  This party had the quickest prep and set up, to date.

Check out some of my favorite photos of her party and birthday breakfast below.  And as always, my annual letter wraps up the post.

 

Blythe, Addison, Braylen

Caleb and Reagan

Lincoln

Making bracelets

No mermaid party is complete without a treasure chest to keep our "gadgets and gizmos a plenty" safe.

My VERY talented friend Melissa from Sassys Sweet Shoppe made this beautiful cookie cake.  She had quite a feat because we had some weird requests, no milk, no writing, mermaid theme...the list goes on but Melissa did it all!

Caleb begged to light her candles.

Caleb begged to light her candles.

Using the dinglehopper on her hair

At the movie

Caleb was so good at being the gentleman of the outing :)

Birthday Breakfast

 

Dear My Sweet Joy,

Not a day passes that I am not amazed by you in someway.  There are not enough hours in the day or words in my vocabulary to share all these amazing things with you, but I will try to share some with you here today.

Your compassionate and nurturing heart is an inspiration to others around you.  When someone hurts, I see you hurting with them and search for ways to remedy whatever ails them, physically or emotionally.  Several months ago I told Daddy that I did not have hot water for my shower on evenings all the kids bathed; a few days later, just before your own shower, you came upstairs with a huge jug of hot water for me stating "I wanted to make sure you had hot water".  Even in the small things, you find compassion.  The other day when I was making dinner, unbeknown to me, Blythe fell down and you got her an ice pack, comforted her and fixed her all up until she was smiling.  I have countless examples of how you spread your compassion to others....

Second grade allows us to witness a determination and work ethic beyond your years.  You are committed to excellence in ALL you do, even non academics, and you reap the rewards in your grades.  Remember though, not all things will come easily for you and your determination will be tested, know I am here for you when you need encouragement.  I will always encourage you.  Always.

Love.  You love those around you so well-friends, family, new people...everyone.  Your love shines through in your thoughtfulness from notes to phone calls to acts of service.  All of which builds a beautiful foundation in all relationships you are a part of.

Quick to forgive, you are always quick to forgive.  You are my first Addison, my first baby, my first talker, my first toddler, my first girl, my first tween (YIKES) now, my first experience being a mom and that's a lot on you too!  I do not do this mom thing perfect and each time I seek reconciliation, you are quick to extend genuine forgiveness.  Baby I am so sorry for every time I fail you, every misunderstanding, every raised voice, every time my punishment feels too harsh.  I wish I had a delete button so many times my dear.  God calls me to teach and train you and I try my best to parent within his guidance, but I fail at times.  I am so thankful that our God is big enough to raise up a beautiful girl like you despite my failings--the evil one is not that strong, hallelujah!

Oh my precious girl, the world is so cruel.  I know you have felt "alone" so many days at school.  Please trust in Jesus is enough.  Please trust He has you in His hands.  Please trust He is an artist painting a beautiful picture for your life--sometimes we do not know what he is painting but we can have confidence it is beautiful.  Please know our family is where you are safe and dearly loved.  Safe to be you.  Loved completely.

Hear me.  Are you listening?  I am immeasurably proud of you.  I write these blogs in part so you never have to wonder, "was mommy proud of me?"  I am.  I always will be.  If I do not say it everyday, I feel it every day.  Don't believe me? Have you read your other letters lately?

One final thought I hope you hear from me regularly, Addison.....you....are.....beautiful.  Physically yes, but trust me that is fleeting and fading, more importantly your heart is magnificently beautiful.

Thankful to be your mommy every moment of everyday,

Me

Happy {Ninjago} 6th Birthday to Caleb

Happy {Ninjago} 6th Birthday to Caleb Asher!

 Despite a last minute location change, we had a grand time celebrating ninja style.  The party was originally planned to take place at a nearby park, this was Caleb's one request aside from ninja theme.  The weather did no cooperate but thankfully the HOA president helped us rent the neighborhood clubhouse at the last minute; it all worked out well!

During the party we made throwing stars, hunted for hidden ninjas, had a sword fight, practiced target practice with a balloon dart game and ate some yummy food.  It was a fun filled party!  Check out the pictures below and my annual letter :)

Happy Birthday Caleb.

Party Table

Favor bags and foam swords.  The swords were a HUGE hit; I am so glad we found them.

A friend made the cake this time.

Its amazing how a 5 minute project or wrapping the water bottles adds so much to the party.

Spinjitzu Sticks

Throwing Star Making Station.  We tried to use ninja words for everything :)  Matthew had pre-folded everything for the kids, but it still proved to be a pretty hard task--Sorry kids!

Sweet Nigiri; it was supposed to be the style suhi with the fish on the outside

Close up of sweet nigiri

The ninjas were watching......

 

Instead of a pinata, we filled balloons with fun prizes and kids threw a dart at it...the dart throwing wen along well with the ninja theme too

Seeing the party set up!

Seeing the party set up!

 

Birthday Boy!

Birthday Boy!

Ninja Caleb ready to go!

My three oldest Ninjas!

Making throwing stars.

Sword fight after the kids found all the ninjas hidden all over the club house.

Time to eat!

Time to eat!

Time to eat!

Time to eat!

The two littlest guests.

Caleb adores this little girl.

Time for Cake!

Took a few blows to get them out :)

Alexis, Reagan, Addison, Madison!

All the party guests!

Caleb,

My how you have matured and grown up this year my darling Caleb.  This year you started Kindergarten...this means you are away from home for the first time all day everyday.  Please know how it hurt my heart to see you sad to leave a few times this school year.  I know it may seem like I WANT you gone because I must urge your tearful departure without any emotions of my own, but this is far from the truth.  My heart aches during difficult "see you laters".  I want nothing more than to solve the problem at hand for you, but alas I cannot for if I do, I will not be encouraging your independence.  However, we have come out the other side victorious and your contagious smile waves goodbye each morning.

You are thriving in school, Caleb.  Not only are you excelling academically (third grade reading level WOOT!!!), you are a leader in your class and eager to serve others.  I had lunch with you on your birthday and I loved watching you greet every teacher AND student by name as they walked past us.  Each teacher and student lit up upon your greeting.  Caleb, your servants heart and love for life is electric....contagious...beautiful.

Recently you lost your first tooth and I think that childhood rite of passage always reminds me you are growing up so quickly.  I like to tease you and pretend to cry every time we meet these milestones bellowing "you are all gown up"....when I do you always look up at me with your big brown eyes and say "mommy, I love you.  Don't worry I will take care of you when you are old."  You know what, Caleb?  I believe it.

You are the glue among the siblings.  Sure, you all aggravate each other but I watch you bring the girls together.  I watch you try to include everyone...even Lincoln who is really too young to know he is left out yet.  You consistently seek to make choices that make others happy while, sometimes, sacrificing your own desire.  You care so deeply for this family; Daddy and I always say you would give away your last cookie :)  You are so much like your Daddy in this way.  You both have a beautiful self sacrificing servant's heart, this is what makes your Daddy an exceptional father, husband, brother, son and friend, although some people take it for granted.  You will be all these things too.  I pray that you find friends who see and appreciate this quality in you.  I pray our family always encourage this in you.  I pray those around you know it is a privilege to know you because of these qualities.  Hear me...it is a privilege to know you.  Listen.

I adore you passion for Jesus, his word and sharing his love.  You are amazing and so filled with a wisdom I am certain I did not possess until I was twice your age.

I am not perfect Caleb.  I never will be.  I am thankful you have a heavenly father who loves you perfectly and loves you even bigger than I do.  You grant me abundant forgiveness every time I fail you, thank you.  I love you more than I can articulate here or ever say to you.  I hope when you read these words over the years you can hear and feel how important you are to me (and daddy), how loved you are, how admired you are and how we see so much beauty in you.

I have used one word to describe you since the day you born, BIG.  You do everything big.  Still.  Love Big.  Cry Big.  Serve Big.  Upset Big.  Noisey Big.  Do life Big.  So...I will conclude as I usually do....

All my BIG love,
Mommy