Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: Luxury??

Let's see if I can stick with this series...I would like to start posting random confessions of this stay at home mommy. A place to vent. A place to exult. A place to share an opinion. A place to replay my mistakes. A place to reflect.  So be warned.

Today I vent and I confess...I am tired of hearing: "I wish I had the luxury to stay at home with my kids." How do I generally respond?

• "Oh, anyone can do it"
• "It's not without sacrifice"
• "It's the life we chose from the beginning"
• "Oh yeah"

Some variations of those programmed responses. My replies are mindless because I do not share my true thoughts on that question. I do realize that the statement is sometimes made in a fleeting moment and other times it is not. This is venting about the ladder.

What do I want to say? Luxury. Interesting word choice. It means "the state of great comfort and extravagant living." Extravagant, is the furthest from the way we have to live in order for one of us to stay at home with our children. We chose to have one of us stay at home with our children before we got married. This meant that never ever did we rely upon two household incomes to survive. This meant and continues to mean that we must be mindful of our spending. Very mindful. We will never have the nicest house (we rent) or the nicest cars (we have a new one now but that is because we keep cars until they fall apart) or the nicest clothes (we buy second hand) or the best toys or vacations or nice furniture. That is the very antonym of extravagant. Do I mind that we cannot live extravagantly? Of course not. I cannot imagine missing a moment of my children's early years.  It is corny, but we make up for it with laughter, love and time.  Don't misunderstand me, my children have far, far, far more than they ever need.  And I pray that we will be able to continue to provide with one income and still save for the future (college, retirement, weddings, etc). 

When I hear that comment I often want to retort "You chose to live a lifestyle that can only be sustained by two incomes. You bought the house that carried a mortage requiring two incomes.  You bought the new fangled whatever.  It is all a matter of choice.  We all chose whether we knew it or not." 

Before too many of you have steam blowing from your ears......I have NO PROBLEM with both parents working.  Zero.  NONE.  Zilch.  Those of you who know me well, know this to be very true.  In fact, there are many days I contemplate going back to work full time.  I am venting about the people who say this to me as if they are trapped and cannot escape from the need for two incomes; they are the ones who may arguably live extravagantly (of course by the standards of any other country I live extravagantly).  

I also know there are truly unfortunate events which necessitate the need for two people to work. It saddens me when things like that happen and if you are in Nebraska and this happened to you---call me, I will watch your children for free!!!!!!!!!   So hear me----I am venting about the situations where it was a choice.  Sometimes there is, sometimes there isnt.  

That was a much longer post than I wanted.  Next time I wont spend so much time justifying my opinion.  Because it is an opinion after all; some we listen to, some we disregard.

First Day of Nebraska School

Addison started back to school on the second day of school since we had just started potty training.  She was very excited to go back to school, but I was not quite sure how she would react considering all the changes recently (big move, new room, no paci, potty training, new school, new church, etc.). 

This year Addison will attend Tuesdays and Thursday 9-2:30.  She is right in the middle on the ages in her class.  Our goal for her school program this year is the same as last year, learn to experience life outside of mommy/home, socialize and be loved on by christian women.  Next year, our focus will be a bit different.

Upon arriving, she was VERY confused where Ms. Sandy (last year's teacher) was.  She looked everywhere.  Distraught, she started tearing up and told me she wanted to go home.  Clearly that was not an option so I kissed her and assured her I would return just like I did with Ms. Sandy.  She fussed and teared up, but within one minute she forgot about me completely.  

When I picked her up I learned she went ALL DAY without going potty, YIKES.  BUT no accidents, I can't complain right?  Her teachers could not stop talking about how well behaved she is and how well she can write her letters.  We were very proud!!!  I consider it a successful first day!!!!

She was excited I assure you, but she does not know how to do anything but a CHEESE BALL smile these days!!

Nebraska Home Tour: Master Suite

 Next on the tour--MASTER SUITE!  

For those of you visited us in D.C. (mostly our parents, my brother and a couple friends) you know how small our rooms have been (both in the apartment and the High Valley Lane house).  AND we have always shared a bathroom, never had our own.  Needless to say, our expectations for a master anything, let alone suite, is not too high.  We feel SPOILED to have our own room and our own bathroom with SEPARATE TUB AND SHOWER!!!!  I still get giddy thinking about it!

That door leads to the bathroom

Our closet.  Its WAY too big for us.

I am not a bath person, but I could get into it.

NO MORE SHOWER CURTAINS!

Random, but this is our favorite part--natural light AND the bathroom has a dimmer.  Its nice to have low lighting when you are up early getting ready.

Potty Training: Day 3 through 9

Day 3 though 9 Summary

Goal:  Slowly challenge her skills in independently recognizing her need to potty as well as going potty away from home.

Set up:  Potty chair along with books and treats stayed in the half bath.  Occasionally at night we would bring it upstairs where she bathes.

Doll:  Doll no longer helped us through the process :)

Drinks:  Drinking was back to the usual protocol; milk with meals and water between meals.  Occasionally she has diluted juice as an afternoon snack.

Dry/Clean Rewards:  Our orginal intent was to follow the Pottywise method to focus rewards not only on GOING potty but remaining dry/clean.  The thought behind it is, it helps minimize accidents because they are being praised for not JUST the result (GOING potty).  Around day three (this was the first day my focus was split between the two kids because Matthew was back to work of course), when I would ask her to check if she was dry/clean she would freak out.  She screamed NO!!!  I thought maybe she was scared she had failed, but I checked her anyways and would say "YAY you are dry and clean", let's go get a treat and try to sit on the potty.  She responded with "NO, dont say yay.  Dont say it.  I dont want a treat."  Wow.  I did not expect that.  All I can figure is, she ONLY wants to make a trip to the potty if she is certain she will be successful.

Success rewards:  We continued to reward with two treats (skittles, M&Ms or fruit snacks) after each successful potty trip.  At day ten, we changed the reward strategy, so stay tuned

Mandatory potty times:  Once we figured out that Addison strives for only successful trips to the potty, we decided to only expect her to sit and try at certain times.  We expect (and even endure a tantrum) an attempt before nap, bedtime, video time (which is once or less a day) and before an outing.  These mandatory times started off as a huge battle ground which is NOT what I EVER wanted, however we stuck with it.  Now at day 12, she generally complies with these mandatory times.  I believe once we established a CONSISTENT expectation of mandatory times, she felt confident and content.

Asking to potty vs. independent recognition:  When we noticed that Addison did not want to take a trip to the potty unless it would be successful we started giving her longer to TELL us she needs to potty vs asking every 15 minutes.  She asks to go potty about 50% of the time and the rest of the time she is going because she was asked and realized she needed to go.

School:  We held off on starting her back to school until day five of potty training.  Our desire was to set her up for success and the best way to do that was to stay at home and focus on potty training several days in a row before venturing to "foreign" pottys.  Day five was her first day at a new school and she went from 8 am to 2:30 without going potty!  WOW!  However, no accidents.  Whenever the staff asked her if she needed to go she cried.  When I picked her up around 2 pm I took her to THEIR potty with the teacher and she still would not go.  Upon our return home, she did both.  Twice.  I felt bad that she held it that long, but was impressed with her control too.  More to come on this.

Naps:  She sleeps with a pull up mostly because she is still in a crib and would not be able to go potty if she needed to.  She has been dry every time and clean all but twice.

Bedtime:  She sleeps with a pull up; I am NOT worried about nighttime control for a LONG time.  She wakes up wet every morning.

Independence:  Towards the end of day 7, 8 and 9 Addison started exhibiting the desire to go through the entire potty process independently--pants off/on, sitting alone, reading alone, etc.  This brought me encouragement!!

Accidents:  Accident Free!  WOOT!!!

What would I do differently?

Consistent expectations:  As I mentioned under the mandatory potty times, establishing consistent expectations for mandatory potty times would have been helpful.  We believe consistency is the key to much of our parenting success; this is no exception.

Focus:  A three day weekend with Matthew home an extra day would have been helpful.

School:  I am not sure WHAT I would do differently, but I would do something different here.  Perhaps we should have waited until she was comfortable with the teachers before potty training.

Dry/Clean rewards:  I love the idea of rewarding for something other than successful trips, however in hindsight I think I was inconsistent with this.

Independent recognition:  I should have started allowing her to TELL me she needs to go sooner; many meltdowns may have been avoided.

I am sure I will have more on what I would do differently as I get further along in the process.  Some mistakes take a while to haunt us :)

Potty Training: Day 1 and 2 Summary

Day 1

GOAL:  Addison to achieve as many successful attempts to go potty.

• Set up:  Put a potty chair in the play room (just outside the half bath) with a little water in it; placed a few books beside the potty; placed her treat jar beside the potty; placed her favorite baby doll with a diaper (one of Caleb's from when he was born; size 1)
• Woke up, put on a dry/clean diaper and had a semi bland breakfast.  Breakfast was bland to encourage thirst and hunger later in the day with the hopes that it would increase the number of potty successes.
• Doll:  Immediately following breakfast, we walked down to the potty and asked Addison to feel the diaper on the baby doll (Sarah) to see if she was dry or wet.  She of course responds with "dry"; we all celebrated with Sarah and gave Sarah one treat for being dry and clean; Addison partook as well.  Next we set Sarah on the potty (remember we put water in there earlier) and a few moments later, we all exclaimed "HORRAY SARAH WENT PEE PEE ON THE POTTY!".  After the horrays died down, Sarah and Addison both had two treats.
• First Attempt:  Following in the excitement of Sarah's success on the potty, we ask Addison if she is dry, obviously yes.  Horray, one treat.  We sit immediately on the potty.  Our goal was to keep her on the potty at least 3-5 minutes at each attempt no matter how we needed to keep her there-books, ipad, music, video, anything.  Luckily all it took was singing and books but we were prepared to use any means.  Why?  Because the most successes we had at the beginning, the faster she would learn the sensations leading up to, during and after needing to potty.
• Frequency:  After each successful attempt, we waited 30-45 minutes before checking her dry/clean status and sitting on the potty.  After each unsuccessful attempt (unsuccessful being she sat on the potty and did nothing), we waiting 12-20 minutes.
• Drinks:  Addison rarely drinks anything other than water or milk so the special juice boxes she picked out were a fabulous incentive and opportunity creator :)
• Sleep Times:  She wore a pull up during sleep times (nap and nighttime).
• Focus:  This was the focus for the day.  One parent was always with Addison encouraging the process the other took care of Caleb.  We earmarked Saturday to Tuesday for potty training, so we planned to not go anywhere.
• Accidents:  She had only one accident, first thing in the morning.
• Fun Story:  After the first few times she went pee pee on the potty, she figured it out so she went 23 times in a row standing up shouting with excitement.  Immediately after she would get a treat, she would say she needed to go again!  HAHAHA!

Day 2 

Goal:  Addison to achieve as many successful attempts to go potty.

• Differences:  The only difference was we offered less juice, otherwise day two was identical.
• Accidents:  She had only one accident, first thing in the morning.

Overall:  We considered it an amazingly successful first two days.  

What would we do differently?

• Dry/Clean rewards:  I feel like we rewarded for this inconsistently.  Now (Day 6) she gets upset when we praise her for dry/clean.  She even gets upset when we ask her to check her dryness.  I am not totally convinced she responds with way due to inconsistency.  There have been other areas of her life when she prefers attention NOT be drawn to her success.
• Others involvement:  If a grandparent or friend could have come over during the process and taken her potty a few times it would have been great.  On day 6, Addison still refuses to potty for ANYONE other than me or Matthew.  She held it for 7 hours at school and 7 hours for a sitter.  Wow.  I am uncertain if that would help, but perhaps it would.  That is just one of the challenges of living far from family.  It will pass.
• Timing:  In hindsight, I think it would be better to have more time between dropping her sleep time paci and potty training.  I think I needed the break more than her but it was a lot of changes at once--move across the country, paci, potty.  

Future....day six, only two accidents to date.  More to come.  I have lots I would do differently between day three and six